youth group
on church culture, youth pastors, and being an introvert
We spent thirteen and a half years at our previous church, but somehow, I still didn’t feel connected to the youth group. Even after all those years, I still felt like I didn’t belong. This feeling wasn’t new to me, as I’ve always been very quiet and unable to relate to many teens my age. I don’t see this as a bad thing, though. I would genuinely rather have a coffee date with a group of older women and talk about books and the weather and the Bible. But even still, I found it a little disheartening that I didn’t have better relationships with the teens that I had grown up with at the church. How are they all so close? Why am I not a part of their group? Am I doing something wrong? These kinds of thoughts started rolling through my head. Going to youth on Wednesday nights became a dread, and although I tried to focus on the message, the worship, and the prayer, I had a really hard time not comparing myself to the other girls and feeling confident in who I was. I had been at the church longer than basically everyone there, even the leaders, but somehow, I still didn’t have strong friendships formed.
We left that church about two, almost three years ago now. After reflecting on my experiences at the Wednesday night services and the summer youth camps, I realized that the problem never was me. I had actually tried several times to really put myself out there - I had asked to sit with some of the other girls, I tried to speak up more in small group time, I tried lingering after service more to talk to other people. Even after these things, I still didn’t feel like I belonged. I still, believe it or not, had youth leaders that were brand new to the church who would ask me how long I’d been attending. “Oh, about thirteen years.” I’d answer, with my, I admit, fake smile. It just got so old after a while. I was so confused and hurt that I still didn’t feel like I belonged, and not even just that, but also the fact that some of them didn’t even remember me. From my standpoint, I was doing everything I could. I wasn’t about to force myself to be someone I wasn’t just so that I could make friends and so that people would remember my name. I wanted to have a church where I could be myself - quiet, observant, and soft spoken - without getting kicked to the curb or forgotten about.
We ended up leaving that church for a few different reasons, although the youth group was one of them. No bridges were burned, no feelings were hurt, and we are still connected with many people who go there. It just ended up not being something we wanted to be a part of anymore.
Of course, after leaving there, we had to start the painfully long journey of looking for a new church. We tried probably fifteen different churches. The search seemed to go on forever and ever. During that search, I, of course, had to try out the youth groups. Let me tell you. Walking into a youth group knowing absolutely nobody is a pretty terrifying experience. But again, I tried so hard to put myself out there. I would play volleyball with the kids before and after service, try and strike up conversation about their school, what they liked to do, how long they’d been going to the church. I still didn’t even feel the slightest possibility of any sort of friendship forming. I noticed the same patterns at all the youth groups that I tried that I did at my previous one: the youth leaders all tried to cultivate an extroverted, loud, and “fun”, environment. If you weren’t naturally outgoing or assertive, then you were painfully out of luck. The quiet, more reserved kids got pushed to the corner, looked over, and left out. I did not go to one youth group where this wasn’t the case. At each one, the leaders were so set on cultivating a culture that was loud and outgoing and where every Wednesday night was some sort of party.
I prayed and did a lot of thinking about the way I felt at the youth groups, and I realized that it truly isn’t for everyone. In my opinion, as long as you are attached to a body of believers, growing your faith in Christ and fellowshipping with others, whether they’re your age or fifty years older than you, you’re doing okay. Like I’ve shared on here before, I’d much rather be a part of a group of older women who I could glean wisdom from and grow closer to the Lord with. I firmly believe that the youth group culture and scene isn’t for everyone. I know that so many young people are coming to Christ in those sorts of environments, and that’s incredible. But it’s not for everyone, it’s not for me, and that’s totally okay.
“Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”
Proverbs 16:31
“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
Proverbs 13:20
I love your honesty here. My daughter felt much the same way, she was very hurt by a couple girls she thought as friends while in youth group . As the girls matured they changed in ways she wanted nothing to do with , she was never part of the boy crazy crew , she wasn’t a party girl , she no longer fit in so they all dumped her. Was very hard as a mom to watch her be hurt like this. Sadly she left youth group. But in place of those friendships, she grew a deeper friendship with Jesus and he blessed her with a wonderful boyfriend , now her husband . Her first love is now her husband and they are Jesus followers together , were baptized together and serve Jesus together.
Thank you for highlighting this topic. As an introvert, I've struggled with this too. Like you said, it's not for everyone because we are all different and we can each find our own unique ways of growing in our faith.