a special love

scattered prose on loss and love.

I miss her quirky ways, the tune of her voice. I miss her silly remarks, her laugh, her smile. I miss the smell of her perfume, the shimmer of her hair. I miss her dangly earrings, her thousands of Christmas sweaters.

Most of all, I miss her voice and her unrelenting love.

She made me feel special and she loved me as her own. I didn’t feel out of place or forgotten or like a “plus one”. I felt loved with a different sort of love - a special, almost motherly type of love. In her presence, I didn’t feel like an “accessory”. She made me feel like I was the star of the show.

Although I have since realized that I took advantage of it then, I would give almost anything to experience that love again. That special love that I long so deeply for. The love that isn’t necessarily expected but is given in abundance anyway. The love that is completely unmerited but still freely given. The love that goes almost deeper than a mother’s love. The love that feels like a cozy, rainy day with a candle burning. The love that feels like a long, sincere hug.

In another world, she’s still here and she’s still loving me as her own. In another world, I’m in her embrace. In another world, we’re together, riding in her car down a long, winding road, talking. In another world, I’m still sitting on her couch, with cheese and pretzels and a can of Coke, watching Dr. Pol. In another world, she’s kissing me and asking me when I got so tall.

Although those days have long since passed, and life has trudged on, the memory of her smiling face and her sweet love is engraved in my heart. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her, when I don’t replay memories and conversations and laughs and things she told me.

I don’t have her anymore, so I pray I can be what she was to me for someone else. I pray I am given the opportunity to give someone that free and unmerited love and hug them like they are my own. I pray that they will feel that special, unrelenting love when they’re with me. I pray that I will grow to be a safe place, a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear to someone who truly needs it.